The Way it Was
A Life Not Worth Living
I was challenged recently at a Men’s Breakfast. The speaker talked about his life and stressed the importance of “vulnerability” and the ability to open up and talk to other men about deeper personal topics. I’ve shared my struggles with my own men’s group, but I feel a need to put them, at least some of them, in writing here.
I learn by experience far better than by listening to others. It can be a good thing, but in many ways it’s kind of a mental block/pride issue. Whatever the reason, I’ve found over the years that most men are like me in that respect. That’s why I’m offering this to you. So you know you’re not alone and there is hope.
I became a true believer in Christ when I was in 5th grade. I fully understood that I was a sinner in need of a savior. The conversion was real and there are many things about me today that I can look back on and see that the seeds were planted at my conversion. By 7th grade, though, hormones took over and really made a mess of my mind. I became very aware of girls in a way I had not experienced before. They sacred me and intrigued me at the same time. I developed a fantasy life but felt dirty and inadequate around “the real thing”. I learned to stuff the feelings away.
By 9th grade I had also developed a habit of basing my self-esteem on how many other kids liked me. I had no guidance from mature Christian men at the time and didn’t know how to base my esteem on my relationship with Christ. Instead, I looked for acceptance from others. I innately knew that approach was wrong, but would get what I know now as a dopamine rush whenever I would do something that others thought was cool, funny, daring, risky, etc. Again, I stuffed the conflict deep in my heart where no one could find it.
By 11th grade I found myself in my parents van at a Drive-In Theater with a group of kids from work. None of us were old enough to drink, but they found stores where they could buy alcohol. They had lots of it! I joined in. This became a regular weekend activity. I wasn’t crazy about the taste of beer, so I tried “the good stuff”. A new world opened for me! It was a world of acceptance of my peers mixed with physical relief from my stresses. I found that I didn’t just enjoy drinking with the guys, I enjoyed being wasted. I pursued liquor like many guys pursued women. I loved being drunk! I was also introduced to cigarettes. I didn’t like them much at the time, but the grip of that vice eventually pulled me in too. As the old country song goes, “Cigarettes, whiskey and wild, wild women, they’ll drive you crazy, they’ll drive you insane.” I foolishly thought that was my call to a life of acceptance and fun. Alcohol relaxed me around women. It made me a man in the eyes of my fellow men. It was so cool…so why did I feel like such an idiot?
The conflict in my mind and heart grew stronger and stronger. During those years I began suffering deep depressions due to many unresolved issues in life. I stuffed almost all negative emotions down as deep as I could get them. That was another poor decision on my part. The weight of my guilt was crushing me. By the time I was in college, I couldn’t take the pressure anymore. Our family was going to an Assembly of God church at the time. I showed up often on Sunday morning with a hangover from Saturday night. My parents suspected something was wrong. My pastors could tell something was wrong. I knew for sure something was wrong…I was in a life not worth living!
Our church held a week-long Revival in the Spring of that year. I didn’t even know what that was, but I agreed to go. There was the usual altar call at the end of each service. I remember very clearly moving out into the aisle and walking toward the altar. It was almost an out of body experience when I felt myself running instead of walking. I literally jumped over a bench to get there. I knelt to pray and a group of men gathered around me. They prayed for me. I just kept screaming inside my heart, “Please God, save me from myself! I screwed up! I sinned! I can’t stop on my own! Please help me!”
One of the men told me I needed to raise my hands up while praying. I was in an uncomfortable position, so as I raised my hands, I also adjusted my body. I am not lying. I felt a jolt of energy hit the top of my head and flow all the way down to my feet. My body shot up and I began praying out loud and crying from the depths of my soul. I don’t know how long it took, but it seemed like at least an hour of just laying everything out before God. I actually felt a cooling sensation follow the jolt of energy. It was like all the sin had been burned away and cool, refreshing water was dousing the fire.
I have never been the same since that day. I’ve messed up plenty, with anger, lust, spurts of wild behavior and financial ruin, but in those struggles I have never again doubted that the Lord is with me. He continually picks me up, cleans me off, heals me and sets me back on my feet.
I am much older and much more mature now. I have learned to discern the voice of God and the prompting of the Holy Spirit. My actions now follow my faith. I pursue the God who is, not a god who gets me what I want. I have learned to fully surrender to His will. The hymn “Amazing Grace” is now the call on my life. He saved a wretch like me. Whatever happens, whatever dumb thing I do to mess things up, I know God is there. He continually pours out His love, His discipline and His guidance. I don’t deserve any of it. I lived the life of the Prodigal Son, and that is what makes faith in Christ so incredible. He took the penalty for my sins. He gave me a new life. I have no doubt He will do the same for you. Why wouldn’t He? Join me in this, you will never regret it!
